Sunday, 13 May 2012

Mother's Day? Bah! Humbug!

I know that there are women who genuinely enjoy celebrating Mother's Day with their families and look forward to it every year, but I confess that I'm not one of them.  

I've been a single working mother for 15 years, on call 24x7 day-in and day-out, public holidays and weekends included as part of the deal, and still find it an insult that on one day of the year all my hard work and sacrifice is acknowledged.  Well, not an entire day, just through breakfast or, if Mum is lucky, through lunch but then it's back to Business as Usual.

When Scout was a littley, she really struggled to understand why I loathed Mother's Day.  Everyone at Kindy was excited about it and all her friends were excited about it ... and then there was her mother, the only person in her universe who wasn't into Mother's Day.  

There were a couple of years when Young Scout would make me go back to bed so she could fix me breakfast in bed.  And I'd get to clean up the mess when she'd dump the tray in my bed and dissolve into tears.  So, I'd go into full-on Mom Mode: calm her down, reassure her that everything was OK, clean her up, clean the carpet in my room, launder my sheets, clean up the kitchen all the time convincing her that it was the BEST Mother's Day breakfast in bed ever and how lucky was I to have such a wonderful daughter!  

That's why we started running in the Mother's Day Classic at the Domain.  Though she was convinced that it was to raise money for breast cancer and to show our support for friends, like Kathryn Sheehan, who had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  But even the 6.30am start was better than Mother's Day breakfast in bed!

But over the years, Scout has come to understand that my dislike of Mother's Day was because, if the work I did as a mother was so important, my being a mother should be celebrated every day and not just one morning a year.  She now has taken to admonishing her friends to celebrate their Mums every day of the year, not just on Mother's Day.

Maybe Mother's Day isn't so bad after all.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Pet Notice

This was sent by a friend of mine.  With the exception of the adopted son/daughter part, I could have written it myself.


The  following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The  dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that  aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall  faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It IS NOT necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end, to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!   If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, Dear Pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


  1. They live don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

  1. eat less,
  2. don't ask for money all the time,
  3. are easier to train,
  4. normally come when called,
  5. never ask to drive the car,
  6. don't hang out with drug-using people,
  7. don't smoke or drink,
  8. don't want to wear your clothes,
  9. don't have to buy the latest fashions,
  10. don't need a gazillion dollars for university and
  11. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....

Thursday, 26 January 2012

You Know You're Australian When ...

This was originally posted on Facebook and is another one I wish I'd written.


You know you're Australian when ...

  • You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn. 
  • You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. 
  • You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds. 
  • You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. 
  • You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional. 
  • You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'. 
  • You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. 
  • You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. 
  • You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. 
  • You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. 
  • You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. 
  • You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. 
  • You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. 
  • Beetroot with your hamburger... of course! 
  • You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living Next Door to Alice'. 
  • You wear ugg boots outside the house. 
  • You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance. 
  • You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. 
  • Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. 
  • You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. 
  • You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. 
  • You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. 
  • Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket. 
  • You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'. 
  • You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. 
  • When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer. 
  • You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc... 
  • You know that there is a universal place called 'Woop Woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
  • You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *pee*. 
  • You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume. 
  • You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it. 
  • You know that the barbecue is a political arena. 
  • You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. 
  • You understand what no wucking furries means. 
  • You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam. 
  • You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colours. 
  • You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok. 
  • And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012