You Know You're Australian When ...

This was originally posted on Facebook and is another one I wish I'd written.

--MG

You know you're Australian when ...

• You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn. 
• You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. 
• You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds. 
• You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. 
• You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional. 
• You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'. 
• You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. 
• You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. 
• You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. 
• You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. 
• You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. 
• You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. 
• You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. 
• Beetroot with your hamburger... of course! 
• You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living Next Door to Alice'. 
• You wear ugg boots outside the house. 
• You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance. 
• You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. 
• Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. 
• You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. 
• You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. 
• You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. 
• Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket. 
• You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'. 
• You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. 
• When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer. 
• You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc... 
• You know that there is a universal place called 'Woop Woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
• You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *pee*. 
• You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume. 
• You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it. 
• You know that the barbecue is a political arena. 
• You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. 
• You understand what no wucking furries means. 
• You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam. 
• You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colours. 
• You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok. 
• And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

You Call Those Fireworks?

These are fireworks!

http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/2009/01/01/1230681584600.html

The Race That Stops A Nation

For the Australians who read this blog, this post isn't really for you. It's for everyone else who has probably never heard of the Melbourne Cup.

Today was the running of the annual Melbourne Cup thoroughbred horse race, also known as The Race That Stops a Nation. It is a key event in the Spring Racing Carnival at Flemington Race Track. With the quarantine on transportation of horses in NSW and Queensland because of the equine flu outbreak, there were questions around whether or not the race would be held. As if.

Melbourne Cup is so important that it is a public holiday in metropolitan Melbourne so that nothing gets in the way of the race. But I prefer the way it is celebrated in Sydney. Everyone fronts up to work as normal but lots knock off about noon for a Cup Day lunch, with friends or co-workers, that lasts until the race at 3pm. There are the obligatory bets and the ubiquitous sweeps and the odd glass of champagne and more hats than you could shake a stick at. As 3pm approaches, everyone watches the Cup on the nearest big screen TV. Then it is back to work as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Productivity for the day may suffer, but it is the Melbourne Cup.

While Australia is a nation of punters (translation: gamblers), for lots of us, Melbourne Cup is the only day that we set foot into the TAB (translation: where you go to place bets in NSW). To take some of the pressure off the city TABs, they open a huge TAB in Martin Place, the large pedestrian mall in the heart of the Sydney CBD. It is usually packed and has extra staff on hand to handle all the questions of once-a-year punters.

This year, I not only bet on the tips from a friend's dad, but I also bet on jockey Michael Rodd, the nephew of my good friend Pennie Darling. And I had quite a few winners, including the Cup itself. That's right, sports fans, Michael Rodd was riding Efficiency, this year's winner of the Melbourne Cup. I've never picked the winner of the Melbourne Cup before so I was pretty chuffed. Thank you Pennie!

Horse racing has a long history in Australia, dating back to the very beginning of the Sydney colony. I can't find my copy of The Fatal Shore by Robert Hughes to confirm the details, but I remember a story that strikes me as being quintessentially Australian.

It seems that the powers that be in the colony decided that the convicts would benefit from the civilising influences of a day of horse racing. So it was decided to give the convicts a day off from their labours with two provisos: (1) no gambling and (2) no drinking.

The big race day came and was a huge success. Except for two things: (1) the next day, most convicts were still too drunk to work and (2) the ones who weren't still drunk couldn't work because they were naked. Seems that the convicts didn't have any money to bet on the races so they bet their clothes or they traded their clothes for rum.

Somehow, Melbourne Cup seems a bit tame in comparison.

P.S. I wrote this on Tuesday night but forgot to hit the Publish Post button. Ooops.