Pet Notice

This was sent by a friend of mine.  With the exception of the adopted son/daughter part, I could have written it myself.

Enjoy.

--MG

The  following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The  dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that  aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall  faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It IS NOT necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end, to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!   If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, Dear Pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR  PETS:

1. They live here....you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less,
2. don't ask for money all the time,
3. are easier to train,
4. normally come when called,
5. never ask to drive the car,
6. don't hang out with drug-using people,
7. don't smoke or drink,
8. don't want to wear your clothes,
9. don't have to buy the latest fashions,
10. don't need a gazillion dollars for university and
11. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....

You Know You're Australian When ...

This was originally posted on Facebook and is another one I wish I'd written.

--MG

You know you're Australian when ...

• You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn. 
• You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. 
• You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds. 
• You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. 
• You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional. 
• You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'. 
• You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. 
• You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. 
• You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. 
• You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. 
• You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. 
• You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. 
• You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. 
• Beetroot with your hamburger... of course! 
• You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living Next Door to Alice'. 
• You wear ugg boots outside the house. 
• You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance. 
• You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. 
• Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. 
• You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. 
• You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. 
• You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. 
• Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket. 
• You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'. 
• You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. 
• When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer. 
• You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc... 
• You know that there is a universal place called 'Woop Woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
• You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *pee*. 
• You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume. 
• You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it. 
• You know that the barbecue is a political arena. 
• You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. 
• You understand what no wucking furries means. 
• You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam. 
• You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colours. 
• You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok. 
• And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Sometimes You Have to Spell

Appreciate What You Have

Forget about global warming, baseball playoffs, tsunamis, earthquakes and the financial crisis. This is really important.

I am down to my last 8 little rolls of Necco Wafers. And when they are gone, they are gone. Done. Finito. Nada. Nyet. The places I usually order or buy US foodstuffs from here in Candy Wasteland don't have them and won't be getting them. Drastic rationing measures have been put in place in a feeble attempt to stave off certain disaster.


You are right: this is not a matter of life and death. It is much more important than that.

HRH just laughed when I told her. How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child. I'm going to put on my moose jammies and take to my bed in mourning.

Banana Guards

I'm probably the only one who thinks that these look ... well ... rude?

Hilary Clinton Joke

I'm not sure where I heard this one, but still think it's funny. --MG

Bill and Hilary were driving through the backwoods of Arkansas and stopped to fill up the car with gas. Bill looked at the gas station attendant in his baseball cap and greasy overalls and said to Hilary, "If you'd married him, you be living in this little town, probably upstairs above this gas station."

Hilary smiled at Bill and said, "No, if I'd married him, he'd have been President of the United States."

Clever Sayings

Here are some of my favourite T-shirt sayings:

• Armageddon was yesterday. Today we have real problems. (From the book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
  
• Beer. It's not just for breakfast any more
• I've used up all my sick time so today I called in dead
• One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Floor.
  
• I support Two Teams, New Zealand and anyone playing Australia (I used to have this one but gave it away to a Kiwi mate when I became an Australian citizen)
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?

And a couple for my fellow Rugby Tragics out there:

• My drinking team has a rugby problem.
• Who was that hooker I saw you with last night? (which, of course, means something different in rugby league)
  
• Ruck. Maul. Tackle. And that's just getting a beer. (From Global Culture who also made the Two Teams one
  

My favourite bumper stickers:

• So many cats ... So many recipes
• Frodo failed. Bush has the ring. (This one used to be on my car)
• Picture of Abraham Lincoln: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
• Picture of the Pilgrims: 1st Illegal Immigrants
• Give me coffee and no one will get hurt
• My other car is a Porsche too. (I saw this one on a Porsche)
• Don't like my driving? Get off the sidewalk!
• Eat beef, you bastards
  

And a good site for political bumper stickers. And I like their political T-shirts as well.

And, finally, two of my favourite email signature lines:

• Animal testing should be banned. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Girl Talk

Thanks to John for sending this to me. --MG

Bill thought he was the President, too.

Who Does That Guy Think He Is?

God and Jesus were playing golf. God teed off first and hit the ball onto the green. Jesus took his shot and ended up in the rough. As they walked to Jesus' ball, he took his sand wedge out of his bag.

"Son, what do you think you are doing? That's not the right club for this shot", said God.

"Don't worry," said Jesus, " This is the club that Tiger Woods used on this very same shot when he won his first professional tournament." Sure enough, Jesus hit a great shot and ended up on the green close to the hole.

A couple of holes later, Jesus' ball ended up in a sand trap. As he pulled an iron out of his bag, God said, "Son, are you sure that is the club you want to use?"

"Take it easy," said Jesus, "This is the club that Tiger Woods used on the very same shot that won him his first Masters." Jesus took the shot and ended up on the green.

On the next tee, God hit a great shot that ended up close to the hole. Jesus teed up and hit his ball into the water.

As he walked out across the water to his ball, another golfer waked up to God and said "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," said God sadly, shaking his head. "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Did You Lose It in The Divorce?

When HRH was in Year 7, aged 12, I was talking to one of her friends during school holidays. She told me about the plans she and her family had and she asked me "What are you and Em doing this school holidays?"

I said, "Well, I'm working every day so we aren't going to be doing anything special."

"Really?" she said, a surprised look on her face. "You aren't even going to spend any time at your beach house?"

"No," I answered, "we don't have a beach house."

She leaned in and, with a look of understanding that belied her years, she said, "Did you lose it in the divorce?"

Is This Funny?

Something happened and I wanted to check to see if I'm the only one who thinks this is funny.

Last week, the company I work for hosted a number of events this week as part of Don't DIS my ABILITY, a celebration of people with disabilities, part of International Day of People with a Disability. It was pretty cool, especially the morning when the lobby was full of puppies that were being trained to become seeing-eye dogs and helper dogs. Very impressive what these dogs can do. But I digress ...

On Friday, they were handing out goody bags at lunch time with printed information about people with disabilities (some of it I already knew about and some was surprisingly interesting) and some little pressies. For example, my boss's Disability Week goody bag had a 'safe' candle in it, a plastic candle with a battery inside it. The candle lights up when the base is turned one way and goes out when you turn the base the other way.

My Disability Week goody bag had a pedometer in it. That didn't work. So I got the battery replaced and it still doesn't work. So, to summarise, for International Day of People with a Disability, I got a pedometer that has a permanent disability.

OK, maybe I'm the only person who thinks that is funny ...

Jewish Haiku

My thanks to Shirley for these. --MG

*****

Lacking fins or tail
The gefilte fish swims with
Great difficulty.

*****

Beyond Valium,
Peace is knowing one's child
Is an internist.

*****

On Passover we
Opened the door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone.

*****

After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias
Did you wipe your feet?

*****

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
Of her friend's disease.

*****

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
To the seventh grade.

*****

Testing the warm milk
On her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

*****

The sparkling blue sea
Reminds me to wait an hour
After my sandwich.

*****

Like a bonsai tree,
Is your terrible posture
At my dinner table.

*****

Jews on safari --
Map, compass, elephant gun,
Hard sucking candies.

*****

The same kimono
The top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

*****

Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll
In your pocketbook.

*****

Seven-foot Jews in
The NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

*****

Sorry I'm not home
To take your call. At the tone
Please state your bad news.

*****

Is one Nobel Prize
So much to ask from a child
After all I've done?

*****

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

*****

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshug anah
Oy! To be fluent!

*****

Quietly murmured
At Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****

A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my
Head in the oven.

****

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
Male-pattern baldness

Obama's Loss Traced to Non-Voter

Just too funny! Thanks, Carol.

The Next Survivor Series

Thanks to Kathryn for this one. Add to this list work full-time and run a small business and you've pretty much got it covered. -MG

THE NEXT "SURVIVOR" SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth each morning by 7:00 . They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up, favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, best friend.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to 'You're not the boss of me'.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

The Perfect Dress

This one was sent to me by my DSIL Jan. --MG

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

My Favourite Australian Joke

This won't make much sense to the non-Aussies who read this, but here goes, my all-time favourite Australian joke:

The last sheep was shorn and two shearers started to talk as they gathered up their belongings. The first shearer says to the second one, 'Now that the shearing season is over, what are you going to do?"

The second shearer thinks for a minute and says, "I think I'm going to go down to Sydney."

The first shearer asks, "Which route are you going to take?"

The second shearer thinks for a minute and then answers, "I think I'll take the wife. She stayed with me through the drought."

Clever New Proverbs

Thanks to Shirley for sending me these. --MG

1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a mobile phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled web-site we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like home page.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up, must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
    

Madtv - Apple I-rack

This is just too funny ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE

Birthday Remembrance

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

(Thanks to Shirley for this one. --MG)

Know Your State Motto

These wouldn't be quite so funny if they weren't quite so true. Thanks to Carol for this one. --MG


Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everythang.

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids. And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt

Michigan: First Line Of Defense. From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney. And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas: Se Hable Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Too Liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming: Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared. Home of Brokeback Mountain

Washington D.C.: The Work-Free Drug Place